Meredith Bell:
Ask questions. Instead of feeling that I must provide an answer, often a manager is reluctant to say, "I don't know." Or, if somebody comes to them with a question they feel like, "I've got to deliver. That's part of my job, is to be the answer giver."
Doug Houser:
From Rea & Associates studio, this is unsuitable, a business and financial services podcast for entrepreneurs, tenured business leaders and others, who are ready to look beyond the suit-and-tie culture for meaningful, measurable results. I'm Doug Houser. On this weekly podcast, thought leaders and business professionals break down complicated and mundane topics, and give you the tips and insight you actually need to grow as a leader, while helping your organization to grow and thrive. If you haven't already, hit the subscribe button so you don't miss future episodes. And if you want access to even more information, show notes and exclusive content, visit our website at c0f.aprender-a-bailar.com/podcast and sign up for updates.
Doug Houser:
With the rise of virtual work and a stronger reliance on virtual tech in the workforce, achieving clear and productive communication within your team can be harder than ever. How can you sense someone's true intentions behind the keyboard? How do you achieve a true connection with your team, when so much of our lives are virtual? Is your message truly being received?
Doug Houser:
Our guest on today's episode of unsuitable is an author, podcast host and co-founder of Performance Support Systems, Meredith Bell. Meredith helps teams of all shapes and sizes communicate more effectively in order to achieve their true potential. She joins us today to discuss how to better connect with your team, and how to master 10 crucial communication skills you need to thrive.
Doug Houser:
Welcome to unsuitable, Meredith.
Meredith Bell:
Thank you, Doug. I'm really looking forward to our conversation today.
Doug Houser:
So glad to have you on, because this is obviously just such a crucial topic in today's world, as we all have adapted to Zoom, and Teams, and Slack and all the other ways that we are communicating now, in addition to face-to-face, which at least we're back to doing some of that. This is tremendous.
Doug Houser:
I know your most recent book, correct, deals with top 10 relationship building skills. This is just a wonderful topic. Talk to us a little bit about how you got started dealing with this and what led you down this path, in terms of your own journey.
Meredith Bell:
Yes. Well, I started out as a teacher and realized that I didn't like doing the same lesson plans over and over. So I got my Masters and worked in school board offices in three difference school systems and realized, "Uh-oh, I don't really care for bureaucracy of politics, either."
Meredith Bell:
So I launched my own solo practice in 1982.
Doug Houser:
Wow.
Meredith Bell:
I've been around a long time. My passion has always been around how people connect with each other, I loved the training I did with teachers around that. That's what I decided to focus on, building stronger team relationships, helping leaders communicate more effectively. I did that for quite a while, as a solo consultant. And then, met Denny Coates, who's been my business partner for 30 years now, in 1990. We started collaborating on some things and decided to merge our two companies, brought in a third partner who managed everything else, and still does.
Doug Houser:
Nice.
Meredith Bell:
That has been our passion, all these years, because we know that there is so much pain and suffering around difficult relationships at work. So much of it is because we aren't taught in school or anywhere how to really connect with another person, how to communicate well.
Meredith Bell:
With all the years of experience Denny and I had first as consultants and trainers ourselves, and then having software products that helped facilitate this, we decided to publish books that really consolidated our best information so it would be available to more people.
Doug Houser:
Excellent. I take it, then, you still do a fair amount of leadership and executive type of coaching, when it comes to more effective communicating and team building, and those types of things.
Meredith Bell:
No, we actually do more of coaching the coaches.
Doug Houser:
Oh, okay.
Meredith Bell:
And, helping people who use our products.
Doug Houser:
Gotcha.
Meredith Bell:
We're still involved, but not as much delivering one-on-one, personal services ourselves. I really love that role, again as teacher, of helping others use our tools to be more effective in their leadership role or as a consultant in a company.
Doug Houser:
That makes sense. I think it's something obviously we can all improve upon each and every day, certainly in our business and professional lives.
Doug Houser:
Talk a little bit about how you develop these top 10 relationship building skills and what those are all about.
Meredith Bell:
Sure. I want to point out the title is Connect With Your Team, but the subtitle is Mastering the Top 10 Communication Skills, because you never get to the end of it.
Doug Houser:
Right.
Meredith Bell:
To me, this is a lifelong journey.
Doug Houser:
For sure.
Meredith Bell:
Some people call these soft skills but honestly, I think they're hard because so few people have really mastered them well. To me, the foundational skill of so many of them is listening. That's our longest chapter because it's such an important area. So many people think, "I'm a pretty good listener." But in reality, we're more often waiting for our turn to speak, or we're interrupting, we're finishing someone's sentences. We really aren't totally focused on them.
Meredith Bell:
With so many devices now, in front of us, it's so tempting when someone is talking, especially virtually, to have your email up, or have your phone and glancing at what's going on. We miss so much. It's a myth to think we can multitask with something important as listening. It's one thing to do laundry, or ride a bike, or workout and listen to a podcast, but it's quite another to really give your full attention to someone who you need to listen to.
Meredith Bell:
I want to just say that listening, to me, is not passive where you're just sitting and letting the other person talk. It's very much interactive. This involves asking questions to clarify if you're getting the other person's message right, because we make a lot of assumptions that we know what they mean, we know where they're going. Sometimes, we respond defensively, or conclusively, and it's so off-track.
Doug Houser:
Yes.
Meredith Bell:
To find out along the way, "Okay, here's what I'm hearing you say. Do I have that right?"
Doug Houser:
Yeah, exactly. To repeat it back and make sure that you have that mutual understanding, I think is key.
Doug Houser:
One of the things I've found that helps me, when I'm in a business meeting with a client or potential client, is I always try to have a colleague with me. To your point of you're maybe thinking about the next question or how well you're really listening, to me, that's always very much helped me absorb better in that conversation. Because then, we can play off of each other and maybe, while they're talking or answering a specific question with regard to the client's situation, I could be absorbing that and vice versa. They could be thinking of the next question or I could be. I've found that, for me, it really helps particularly as I've gotten older. I don't know if my attention has changed of what it is, but I tend to absorb better in that way.
Doug Houser:
Is that part of what you see when you talk about the team, connecting with the team overall? How does that play into the whole thing?
Meredith Bell:
Well, I think a key thing is everybody is responsible for their own personal leadership. We don't need to rely on the manager of the team to give all the directives. In fact, giving directives doesn't go over very well anymore these days. It's each person taking responsibility to ask questions, if something that has been given as a project or a deadline, to get clarity around that with each other.
Meredith Bell:
I think another key thing is the level of trust that has been developed will be a determinant of how comfortable and safe people feel being honest with each other.
Doug Houser:
Yeah.
Meredith Bell:
One of the important aspects of creating a healthy team and culture is people being able to give feedback to each other, both positive and constructive. If I have seen you blow up when someone else points out something to you, I'm going to be reluctant to bring that up because why do I want to subject myself to that kind of reaction?
Meredith Bell:
This, to me, is where the skills are so important for everyone on a team to learn, not just someone in a leadership role.
Doug Houser:
Yeah.
Meredith Bell:
Because if I do need to give feedback to a team member who hasn't delivered on something they said they were going to do, what's an appropriate way to do that?
Doug Houser:
Yeah.
Meredith Bell:
All of this goes back, too, to not making assumptions about other people because we can get these stories going in our heads, in fact have conversations in our head with the other person, when they could be operating from a totally different motivation, reason than what we're assigning to them.
Doug Houser:
Great point.
Meredith Bell:
It's really important to check it out.
Doug Houser:
Yeah. Now, how do you avoid ... One of the chapters in your book coach people to think for themselves, which I love as the father of three 20-somethings. That's what I view as one of our main jobs as parents. But, how do you do that? How do you coach people to think for themselves? I see so much of that in personal society, where we've got over-protective parents and things like that, where to me, that independence isn't maybe taught as much as it could be or should be. How do you go about really doing that for people?
Meredith Bell:
You know, I just love that question because it applies to parents as much as to the workplace and families. There's a really easy answer, in terms of a basic premise to have in mind. That is ask questions.
Doug Houser:
Okay.
Meredith Bell:
Instead of feeling that I must provide an answer, often a manager is reluctant to say, "I don't know." Or, if somebody comes to them with a question they feel like, "I've got to deliver. That's part of my job, is to be the answer giver."
Meredith Bell:
When really, as parents ... I love that you brought that up about parents because I feel one of our responsibilities as a parent is to prepare our kids for adulthood.
Doug Houser:
Yeah.
Meredith Bell:
My daughter's now 37 so I'm dealing with grandchildren.
Doug Houser:
That's awesome.
Meredith Bell:
That we're trying to help with this. I'm really proud of the way she and her husband ask them questions.
Meredith Bell:
Here's just some examples that people can adopt. The fundamental one is some version of this. What do you think?
Doug Houser:
Yeah.
Meredith Bell:
Before we jump in, just have that in your mind. "Oh, well what do you think?" Here are some versions of what do you think. Well, what options have you considered so far? What ideas do you have for this?
Doug Houser:
That's perfect, yeah.
Meredith Bell:
Or even to say, "Well, I have an idea but yours may be a lot better than mine. Tell me what you're thinking."
Meredith Bell:
You refuse to give a ready answer, even if you're pretty sure or confident you know what it is. Because part of our role as leaders, and parents, is to help people become more self-reliant. Because otherwise, you are in a role of micro-managing what they're doing and you don't have time to do your own work because people are constantly come to you, feeling they've got to come to the boss, or the manager or the parent, to get an answer to this.
Meredith Bell:
Part of that, you need to look at within how comfortable am I with people making their own decisions and possibly making a mistake?
Doug Houser:
Yeah. We call that failing forward, we have that as part of our mantra in our organization. You have to let people do that, there's no better way to learn in many cases. But, I think the way you phrase those questions is awesome because it diffuses any threat to providing an answer that might be different, or just have a different perspective, or even if it's not the best answer. That way, nobody feels like, "Oh my gosh, if I don't say the right thing, I'm going to look like an idiot."
Meredith Bell:
Well, you just brought up something that made me think of a follow-up question. If somebody shares with you an idea they've come up with and your immediate thought is, "Oh my heavens, that's not going to work." Instead of saying that, you might just ask them, "Well, what do you think could happen if you went down that path?"
Doug Houser:
Right.
Meredith Bell:
Getting them to anticipate. If they still are thinking, "Hey, this is still a good idea." Okay then, "What are some positive aspects of that and what could go wrong, that you would need to think through and anticipate?" So that you're helping them do this, really it's front brain thinking. The prefrontal cortex is where we do this analytical thinking into the future.
Meredith Bell:
But, I think that's part of our role of helping someone learn how to think for themselves.
Doug Houser:
Yeah, absolutely. It's important to get those different perspectives, too. I think I've been in some organizations where they've succumbed to group think.
Meredith Bell:
Yes.
Doug Houser:
Where they tend to surround themselves with everybody who thinks the same way, it was a disaster. I'm sure you see that. How do you encourage or get a team to avoid those types of things, where it's group think?
Meredith Bell:
You know, a lot of it is the self-awareness of the leader and giving people permission to speak up. Speak up in a number of ways.
Meredith Bell:
Let's just say you have a group in a meeting. As the leader, it may be that you've had a tendency to call on, or allow to speak longer, people that you naturally connect with.
Doug Houser:
Yeah.
Meredith Bell:
Or, that tend to be outgoing and that speak up. So part of the role of a leader is to notice who hasn't contributed so far and to ask that person, "Hey, I noticed, Doug, you've been quiet. What are you thinking about this?"
Doug Houser:
Yeah.
Meredith Bell:
Everybody's watching so how you treat other people, and how they sense the way you respond to others, they're watching all of that. That guides what they're willing or not willing to do, in terms of speaking up.
Meredith Bell:
I think it's what kind of environment are you creating that invites people. The key word here for people to latch onto is curiosity. If you can come to a conversation or to a meeting with a spirit of being curious, with not having your mind made up, with being open to the ideas of others, and then you affirm those ideas and don't immediately say why it won't work ... We teach people all the time how to interact with us by the way we respond to them.
Doug Houser:
Right.
Meredith Bell:
If you just start monitoring, "What's my typical response here?" Or, "How do I want to respond in this situation so I do encourage the other person, so I convey that I'm really curious to learn?" It's not a strategy, it's not a technique, it's a way of being with that other person.
Doug Houser:
Yeah. That's fantastic, I love that.
Doug Houser:
Now obviously, we've had different challenges over the past now year and a half, with COVID and all of that. How have you found that that really impacts team communication, team connectivity, those kinds of things? What are some tools that we can utilize in this obviously age of Teams, and Zoom and all that, to help bridge that gap?
Meredith Bell:
We have to recognize the importance of one-on-one conversations. While it is more time efficient to have group calls, the aspect of continuing that relationship building, even if it's just five or 10 minutes, to ask the person, "How are you doing? What's going on? What's been a day brightener for you? What are you challenged with? How can I be of help and support?" That is so huge. Sometimes, we don't block time to do that because we think it's going to take too much time. But, I can tell you when someone senses that you deeply care about them and their wellbeing, they will go to all kinds of lengths for you. But, if they don't sense that you care, then they're going to look for ways to avoid doing so many things that you could be accomplishing through them otherwise.
Meredith Bell:
To ask yourself, "What does this person need from me that will help them be the highest performer they possibly can?"
Doug Houser:
Gotcha.
Meredith Bell:
That can be different things for different people.
Doug Houser:
Sure.
Meredith Bell:
One person may just need a two minute call.
Doug Houser:
Right.
Meredith Bell:
Another one may need 15 minutes. We have to recognize everybody doesn't have the same interest or need, and appreciating and respecting the differences among people so we don't have a single recipe for all. But, that reaching out and taking the initiative to stay in touch and just ask, "What do you need from me right now? How can I best support you?"
Meredith Bell:
Here's an interesting question to ask. This is related to the skill of receiving feedback, but it ties in with your question of how to best connect with other people. That is to simply ask somebody, this takes courage, "What's one thing I could do differently that would make your experience of working with me better for you?"
Doug Houser:
Better, yeah.
Meredith Bell:
"What's one thing I could do?" You could even ask that of family members.
Doug Houser:
Yeah.
Meredith Bell:
"What's one thing I could do that would make your experience of living with me even better for you?" Because we all have blind spots.
Doug Houser:
Yes, we do.
Meredith Bell:
Sometimes, it can be a tiny irritant that we have no idea because they haven't told us. But, if we ask and they sense we're genuinely interested in finding out what that is, they'll open up and tell us. And that creates a bond right there, if we say thank you.
Doug Houser:
Yes, right.
Meredith Bell:
And, express appreciation and then make an effort. If what they're asking is reasonable and something that's fair, then if we make that commitment and change our behavior based on something they've requested for us, the trust, the impact on the relationship is amazing.
Doug Houser:
Yeah. I love that because you connect, then, on a personal level in that you're both giving in that relationship, whether it's professional or personal. You're offering something to that other person. Or, as you said, you show you care by just demonstrating some empathy. When you have that connectivity like that, boy, it's just like you said, the relationship is so much stronger. You're going to get better feedback, I would think, constructive feedback on a professional level, from everybody.
Meredith Bell:
Well, exactly. When you respond in a positive way when somebody gives you that feedback, they're going to feel freer to open up about other things to you. The flip side of that, Doug, in response to your question of how do you keep things going when we're working remotely, is find things the other person has done that you can express appreciation for, because we all need that.
Meredith Bell:
I will tell you, many years ago, I attended this conference, it was on marketing for business owners. I attended this event on a regular basis because I just loved the guy that was the president of the organization. I made a point, at every conference, to just go up to him and say, "You know, Bill, I really appreciate that last speaker and what they brought up. Thank you for bringing in that person." And, finding something positive to say because if you've put on events, you know that people complain about all kinds of stuff and that's the majority of what you hear.
Doug Houser:
Yeah.
Meredith Bell:
But, I'll never forget. Now, this is a guy that was a multi-millionaire many times over. One of the times that I said something positive to him he said, "You know, Meredith, you are such a positive person. Can I get you to call me every day?"
Meredith Bell:
It just dawned on me how, no matter what level of success someone achieves, we all have some self doubts, we all hear negative things. You can't overdo giving expressions of appreciation to someone else.
Doug Houser:
Yeah, very good point.
Meredith Bell:
It's impossible, really. If it's genuine, it comes from the heart, they sense it and that, again, goes a long way to keeping someone encouraged and motivated to give their best.
Doug Houser:
Absolutely. Well, this is awesome stuff, Meredith. I could certainly talk all afternoon about this. But obviously, your book here, Connect With Your Team, is out there. But, how would folks in our audience get a hold of that or get a hold of you? Do you have a website location that they can go to?
Meredith Bell:
Yes. Yes, thank you. Yes. Our website is growstrongleaders.com. And as a matter of fact, on the homepage of that site, we talk about how our book Connect With Your Team can be used with another book we have called Peer Coaching Made Simple. People can work in pairs to help each other with improving their communication skills.
Doug Houser:
Excellent.
Meredith Bell:
I'm also on LinkedIn, Facebook, Twitter so people can connect with me. I love hearing from them. I've got a scheduler on our homepage, if someone would like to have a conversation.
Doug Houser:
That's awesome. Well, excellent. Appreciate that, Meredith. Thanks for being on and we'll look forward to having you on again sometime here in the future.
Meredith Bell:
Thank you, Doug. I really enjoyed our conversation.
Doug Houser:
Yeah, absolutely. If you want more business tips and insight, or to hear previous episodes of unsuitable, please visit our podcast page at c0f.aprender-a-bailar.com/podcast. And while you're there, sign up for exclusive content and show notes.
Doug Houser:
Thanks for listening to this week's show. Be sure to subscribe to unsuitable on Apple Podcasts, Google Podcasts, or wherever you're listening to us right now, including YouTube. I'm Doug Houser, join us next week for another unsuitable interview from an industry professional.
Speaker 3:
The views expressed on unsuitable on Rea Radio are our own and do not necessarily reflect the views of Rea and Associates. The podcast is for informational and educational purposes only, and is not intended to replace the professional advice you would receive elsewhere. Consult with a trusted advisor about your unique situation so they can expertly guide you to the best solution for your specific circumstance.
